Needing a Daddy in the most wanted time..
by Sierra Bolden
(Conifer, CO USA)
Have you ever had someone or something in your life who has made a simple decision that flipped their life around so fast it was like a flame to a match?
Sometimes it’s that simple yes or no, that simple stop or go, that simple “yeah let’s do it” can transform your life for the worst. This simple “yes” unfortunately was what happened to my father. Slowly, a monster developed inside of him destroying everything and anything in his path. Gradually, he got stubborn, mean, impatient, and anxious, not caring what he shredded apart nor the emotions left behind he lost his children, and all connection to life. He had to bleed just to feel alive.
Though deep down he knew he loved his children, he had some sort of veil around him, preventing him from seeing what he did. What he didn’t realize was that now his kids were drifting. Drifting so far away that he could no longer hear his baby girl say the simple phrase “I love you daddy” for this was only a memory now. I believe that even a simple mistake can change your entire life.
It all started in the month of February in Bedford, Kentucky. We began attending every church session we possibly could, whether it was Saturdays, Sundays, or Wednesdays; there was always something we were involved in.
The Sunday I remembered was the one when we started attending the mediocre sized church and my father met my sunday school teacher Andrea. This day would be the day that began the ever increasingly crack in a window until suddenly it shattered unexpectedly. Soon our schedules in chaos with me in softball my brother in boy scouts.
Meanwhile, my dad volunteered for vacation bible school. One day he came home and asked if I could watch the kids for a little while, of course I say yes. This continues as my mom begins to become anxious as well as suspicious.
Now there were fights almost every day, sometimes over the smallest predicament, but mostly over my father’s addiction: Vicodin. Where did it start, and how come he said “yes,” were my questions.
My dad would pack up and say he was leaving multiple times but that was all a bluff. Until, one day that all changed. I thought that this would just be another time where he was just saying he was leaving but somehow it was different.
Crying, furious, and frustrated he raced out of the house;I followed. I loved my dad and I was going to do anything in my power to save our perfect family.
As he turned around we met eyes and I felt as though I could see him staring right through me; suddenly he spoke. In the most shaky and uncertain voice I had ever heard anyone talk he said “Sierra you are my babygirl and I will do anything for you, you know that, I love you and tell your brother and sister I love them as well, I will see you as soon as I can but daddy needs some time to think.” I shook my head as my mind raced with thoughts, memories, and questions. My dad, the only male figure I had in my life rushed out of the driveway.
Dirt clouds rising, all time froze as I stood on the deck and contemplated on whether he would come back or not. I may have only been eight years old but I can still remember every look, conversation, and emotion after that day. Little did I know, a pain stronger than a cluster headache had hit me. I started to deny the fact that a tire was growing rapidly around my waist but what was the real cause of this? Could it have been that I had just lost an entire half of my life? Maybe, but I feel as though it was for a more prodigious answer.
Days and months passed that I didn’t have any contact with him; in his eyes was nonexistent. In every attempt I made to make contact with him, I was turned away, only to become more confused and hurt, not being able to understand why a little girl’s daddy did not want to see her.
An obvious difference became apparent to me between my family and that of others as I saw the warmth and concern my friends’ fathers showed toward them. I reveled in any extra attention given to me by these fathers and acquired a special love and admiration for them. The feeling of acceptance by a father was irreplaceable since it proved that I was not incapable of being loved as a daughter and it was possible that the problem existed within my father and not within me.
Without his help and without his guidance I have had academic success, I have formed high morals and have developed strong personality qualities which will take me far. His lack of interest in my future goals and aspirations has done nothing to restrain me. If anything, it has motivated me to show him and prove that I can accomplish anything and I don’t need his support to do it.
This I believe that one simple decision can change a lifetime but that cannot stop you from moving forward. Life goes on, it doesn’t wait on you, you have to learn to move forward or else you will be left in the dust.
Just recently I was at one of my volleyball games and after I went to go check my facebook page. I had a friend request from Andrea Smith. I immediatly said OMG and began tears as I was shocked, overwhelmed even! I couldn't stop thinking about all those times I had searched his name just try and find him yet here he was! I replyed to her saying OMG I can't believe it.
After this we talked for awhile and then she gave me a number to call. I called it and sure enough it was her. I asked her if I could please speak to my dad. She gave the phone to him and he suddenly said "hello sweetheart." as I paced up and down the hallway of the school I cried and explained everything that had happened in the five years of absence away from my beloved daddy.
He couldn't believe what I was going through and how hard my life has been. This wasn't o ly emotionally from him not being there but physically what my stepfather had done to us. How horrible he had treated us!
Now I talk to my daddy everyday, without a doubt I had to speak to him! Whether it was lunch or after school or between classes or nights at friends houses! It has been approximatly 3 months since this happened and thanksgiving just took place.
My mother and stepdad went to las Vegas while my stepgrandmother came to watch us. I see all these pictures of him and his new wife and all the family I still have! I can't help but wonder how life wouldve been if some things had just not been done or decided!
I miss my daddy and it hurts that I still can't see him. The day that I will see him again will be the BEST day of my life I can guarantee that but until then I just wait...