My parents splitting up and me

by Megan
(UK)

So, i'm coming up to 13 and about a year ago my parents split up :(

Things hadn't been right in ages, my parents were arguing 24/7, shouting and swearing and even getting violent. I used to wish that would split up but really i only wanted the arguing to stop.

Then on one night there was a massive argument and I was shouting aswell, in fact I caused it. Then 4 days later my mum (who was my absolute world at the time) met me from school and me, her and my sister basically ran away from my dad, we were homeless.

My mum had packed my bag, leaving behind everything I loved and cherished. When I first realised what was happening I cried (naturally), then I got really angry at my mum cos she packed my bag and left behind my jessie j cd (sounds shallow but its the music that gets me through life) but then I calmed down and it felt like an adventure and I was kinda excited and happy. But it started to get dark and we were sat outside kfc and I started to get worried.

Luckily, we went to live with my aunt, sleeping on sofas and stuff. The next day I had some kind of messed up mental breakdown, I was crying and screaming and it hurt, I wished I was dead, I was violent to my mum, I hated her so bad and I had no idea how to cope.

Then just 6 days later, when I was kinda at my worse, not adjusted but the excitement had gone and I felt so depressed and just wanted to go back to my own bed with all my own stuff not, mum dropped the bombshell that she had met someone, a girl (nothing wrong with that). At first I liked her, she had brought me kfc and was fun to be with.

Word got out that my mum was bisexual and in a lesbian relationship and I started getting bullied for it and other things. This made me feel really depressed.

I kept having mental breakdowns here I just crying and screamed and threw things and cried some more.

Basically my aunt chucked us out, shes nice and stuff and told me it wasnt my fault but it was, her son (my cousin) was studying for his gcses and couldnt concentrate with my "racket". Its not like I cos to be that upset is it?

Anyway, we had to live with mums girlfriend at first it was ok but then her girlfriend changed. And so did mum. They both just pushed my away and shouted at me. I felt like an outsider and whenever I was upset they just yelled at me. And school was getting worse and no one understood. The mum that I loved so much was gone.

I think she honestly stopped loving me and im not overreacting. I couldnt cope with the atmosphere, the feelings of rejection and loads of people being in the house all the time.

I decided to go back to my dads. It broke my heart leaving mum but it wasnt my mum I was leaving, she was long gone, it was just someone who didnt care about me. I was scared and thought my dad would be annoyed and me but he wasnt and we grew so close and although I missed mum so bad things were ok.

Then mum found her own place and apparently her girlfriend wasnt living there so I kept trying to go back to my mums except we always argued and dad ended up picking me up and taking me back to his. Mum lied and stole (she nearly evicted me and my dad for £2000 worth of debt from past rent arrears that she made and she stole £300 from my sisters bank account) sometimes yet showed glimpses of my old mum others.

Each time I tried spending the night at mums but she'd lie and her girlfriend would be there even though she promised she wouldnt.

I got so sad from the bullying and missing mum and I found self harm. its not attention seeking but it helps release how sad I am.

I am now getting worse and now dad cant cope with me and we are growing apart. I still live with my dad but now I know he doesnt want me. Its coming up to the one year mark and im plagued with guilt because I know that if I had simply laid the table mum and dad wouldnt of argued and none of this would of happend. Its my fault a lot of this, if I wasnt here then there wouldnt of been any stress on there relationship.

I'm getting worse and my dad doesnt want me. He keeps kicking me out and I have to go back to mums but she kicks me out and I have to go back to dads. No one wants me. I honestly would of done the world a hell of a lot of good if I had never been born.