What you need to know about your Child and Divorce: how to tell your child, stay away from the blame game, focus on the future and put your child on the top of your agenda.
Sometimes your child is unaware of the upcoming divorce. An announcement will come as a complete surprise. In other situations, for example when you have been fighting with your partner more and more over the past period, you can expect that your child feels something is in the air.
In both situations, the best way to tell your children is to tell it together: you, your partner and your child or children.
Of course, if the divorce is the result of domestic violence or abuse (yourself of one of the children), it is different. In that situation it might be better to not involve your partner.
Explain your child or children that you are going do divorce because mumm and dad do not go along very well any more and that you have decided to file for divorce. Do not tell what is the exact reason to divorce. As argued elsewhere in this web site, that will draw you into the blame game. (who will tell? You or your partner? Your story? Is it really true?).
Make it very clear to your child and divorce that he or she is NOT to blame for the divorce. He or she did not cause the divorce. Nobody else but you and your partner caused the divorce. You have to repeat this message over and over again during the days, weeks and month after the initial message of your divorce.
It is very human to blame another person when bad things happen. Once you start blaming, the other person will start defending himself or herself and might say, "yes, but you...". And the blame game has taken off. For you and your partner, this is up to you.
I should stay away from it, because it does not bring you anywhere. You spoil your precious energy and time and it will bring you nothing but frustration and stress.
For your child and divorce however, it is different. He or she will feel like having to choose for one of their parents. That is the last thing they want to do. They want to have a mother and a father and they have the right to have a mother and a father. So you better stay away from the blame game.
Focussing on the future is the best thing you can do. Accept your new reality. It might include that you have to go out working again, that you will have a less luxurious life, that you have to move out of the big house and that you will loose "friends" and other social contacts because of the divorce.
Only after accepting your new situation and adapting to it, you can dream a new future. In order to thrive you need to have clear goals and objectives. That will keep you going into the positive direction. Nobody will stop you then.
Your future and the future of your child and divorce is in your hands.
It has been said in more articles on this web site, on other web sites about children and divorce and in many books on the subject. Only if you keep this in mind and you live to it, you will succeed and your children will thrive. Then, there will be very little difference from when you had not divorced at all.
Of course, there are some things that they will miss, but having 2 houses and 2 families where they grow up 50% of the time will offer them more and different experiences. They might even learn quicker and understand more of the world where they live in.
It is not all black and white for Child and Divorce.
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