What you beliefs about Divorce are determines largely what it will look like. Beliefs are very powerful. Beliefs can help you in a positive way. Those beliefs are called supporting beliefs. The so called "Limiting beliefs stand in your way. Those prevent you from succeeding or from getting what you want.
Recognizing and dealing with negative feelings and using positive words has a similar impact on your well being and success. If you understand these simple concepts and apply a few tips, you can turn around your life.
Most of the time, we are not aware of our beliefs. Most of them came unconsiously in our mind. It started already short after our birth. In our culture, religion, school, family, sporting club, university, job and more, we are constantly confronted with what is "good" for us and what is "bad". When it is said often enough, you start to believe it.
Did your parents tell you that you will never be a good mother? When you believe it, you might give up even before you tried.
The question here is not "is it true that you are not good mother? The question you have to ask yourself is "does my belief that I am not a good mother help me if I want to be a good mother?
Beliefs in itself are not good or bad or neutral. If they support you in achieving the results you are looking for, keep them. If they are unsupportive, get rid of them. It is a simple but powerful mechanism. You will be surprised what it can do for you. Hence, it is important to identify your beliefs about divorce. Once you have identified them, you can classify them and either put them to work for you or get rid of them as soon as you can.
The problem with limiting beliefs is that you you are looking for clues in life that confirm the truth of it. Without knowing, you look for events, signs and behavior that confirm your belief. If you are looking for something, you will find it. The mind is tricking you. If you want to buy a blue Mini Cooper car, you will suddenly see many blue Mini Coopers cars on the road.
Another example. Suppose you belief that a child of divorce will be unhappy. You do not know that the grand mother of the son of your divorced friend just died of an accident. When you see the son of your divorced friend walking in the street, he looks very sad. Consciously or unconsciously, this observation strengthen your belief that a child of divorce will be unhappy.
Now you will probably wonder what are my beliefs about children and divorce? It is not difficult to find out.
Just listen to yourself and to the little voice in your head. What divorce issues do you talk about often? Where do you complain about? What makes life difficult for you? What kind of a person are you? Are you focussed on your children?
How do you think about your ex? Does it help you to keep believing that your ex is a jerk? You will certainly find all kind of habits, poor behavior, his dirty car and much more to feed your negative belief. Apparently, there is some reason why you want this belief to stay alive.
Beliefs about Divorce live in our unconscious mind. Because of that it is difficult to access them. It is difficult to reason about your beliefs. You cannot do it consciously. But by letting your emotions speak, you will become aware of them and especially you will feel that they influence you negatively.
To access your emotions related to your beliefs, you can use this technique:
Write down your beliefs Then, stand up, take a deep breath and read them out loudy. One by one. Focus on the reaction of your body, especially in the area just below your chest. If you can feel a negative emotion physically, the belief you have just read is actively impacting your life in a negative way.
Next, write down how these limiting beliefs about divorce stand in your way. For example: I belief that my ex is a jerk. I only see the negative aspects of him and the negative impact it might have on my children. It makes me worry all the time: the days before the children are going to stay with him; during my children stay with him. And afterwards I try to find out how he has neglegted the children this time.
As you will understand, you do not have time and attention left to find out what the positive things he did. The consequence for you is that you did not spend all that precious time building your life and that of your children.
At last, reformulate the non-supporing beliefs about divorce into a positive way. It could be something like "My ex has more than a few positive things. If I focus more on his strong points, he will change his attitude and behavior towards me and the children too."
Too quickly adopt your new belief, read it out aloud a few times a day until you feel confident with it. Furthermore, look for confirmation of your new belief about divorce.
"My children of divorce will suffer from living in 2 different places."
If you belief this is true, you will try to do everything you can to avoid that their children will be living in 2 different places after the divorce. You will be prepared to fight for it.
Does it help you or the children to believe this? If it does not, it is a limiting belief. There is an easy strategy to get rid of a limiting belief. Simply turn your limiting belief into a supporting belief. A belief that will help you living your dreams.
This belief can be turned around like this: “if we create the right circumstances, the children will benefit from living in 2 different places. They become more flexible, they will experience 2 different living environments from which they will learn more and faster. They will have the best of both worlds.”
This belief will focus your attention on creating the right circumstances. You will go with the flow instead of against it.
Emotions like anger, regret, feeling betrayed, feeling abandoned and failure will pop up during and after your divorce. Even if your ex is a jerk and you feel relieved after he has gone, you might think you failed because you chose to marry the wrong person in the first place.
These negative feelings can completely occupy your mind. They drag your energy. If you let them take over, you'll end up in depression. In fact, you have to get rid of these feelings. What happened is history. Don't become a pessimist.
A technique to neutralize a negative feeling is to think about the situation that caused it and visualize it. Focus on the facts. Ask yourself: How did you get into it? Face the outcome. What were the actual results? Was it really bad? What will you do next time? Finally accept that it happened. Repeat this process a few times once a day until the negative feeling has neutralized.
In fact, it does the same to you as the non-supportive beliefs about divorce you have. Negative feelings distract you attention and energy from what you should do: building a new and thriving future for yourself and for your children. Let it go.
Words alike beliefs about divorce influence your unconscious mind. The use of positive words make you and your children think positive. Negative words have the opposite effect.
Try the following exercise:
Close your eyes and say aloud the following words: Divorce laywer, alimony, suffering, fighting, yelling, breaking up, punishment. How do you feel?
Now close your eyes again and say aloud: Caring, paying attention, giving, receiving, working together, happiness. How do you feel now?
The words you choose have an impact on the people around you and on yourself. By using positive words, you and the people around you become more positive. You become more optimistic. Instead of seeing problems, you will start seeing the opportunities.
As Limiting beliefs about divorce are a big filter, making you see only the negative aspects and the impossibilities. Break them down, turn them into positive and supporing beliefs about divorce and you will be able to see the opportunities that life offers any of us. Negative feelings and negative words have the same impact. Ban your negative feelings and use positive words rather than negative.
by Jill Darcey
How to Successfully Co-Parent after Divorce
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