The affect of divorce to children:
what affects them the most?

In respect to affect of divorce to children, for the children going through the divorce and the process after the divorce are painfull. They feel emotional conflict. Even if they do not express their feelings, it is important to understand that they are struggling with the divorce.

Research has provided an interesting insight in the feelings and thinking of children during this difficult period. Especially when there is continued conflict between the parents, one parent becomes a non-custodial parent. The children have to change address and they lose the continuity of friends and school.

The continuous stress of the parents, makes it difficult for the children to adjust to the new situation. These are the thoughts of these children and their perspective.

Children's perspective on the divorce:

  • “If you need to talk to each other, please do it yourself and don't put me in the middle.”
  • “I do not want to chose between the two of you. I still have a mother and a father even if you chose not to continue the relationship. Tell me only the nice things about my other parent.”
  • “If possible, I want to have free access to both my parents. Unless there is an abusive situation. Please take this into consideration when you decide where to live.”
  • “It is easier for me to cope with the divorce if you get along with each other.”
  • “I need to talk about what is going on. Give me time and space to talk about the divorce with you, grant me that time and attention.”
  • “Do not go and change everything around me. It is bad enough that I lose a parent to divorce, but that does not mean I also need to lose friends, school and my home.”
  • “I am still just your child. I cannot replace the other parent or friends. Let me be a child and find a therapist or friend to talk about all your worries.”
  • “It does not matter how old I am. I am still hurting and struggling. I will not be able to always express my anger, sadness and fears and may act-out terribly. Just try to help me when I am struggling.”
  • “Day-to-day routine, tradition and habits are important to me. All the rest may change, but let me keep as many traditions and routines as possible.”

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