Thanks to a dead beat father. I'm digging my own grave.
For all my life that I can remember my father has physically and psycoligicly abused my Mom and me.
At around 14 or so I left home and went to live with my grandparents for just over a year because if not, I was ether going to kill him or I myself die from the stress.
So I left but could not get my mom to leave because she feared what he might do and we also had no money to support our selves. During that time I almost lost my sanity, I felt I abbandoned my mother and two younger sisters and feared so much that all the anger and rage that was always directed at me was now being pointed at them and got to the point I could no longer sleep for all the nightmares, voices and things I began to see from my mind going.
I decided to go back to live with my mom so I could be there to try to protect them. So I returned to the hell, although the hell that it was I was glad to be back to take some of the burden off my mom because it was beginning to kill her.
Her health was going down hill so fast and everything continued to get worse I finally lost it. I was around 16 I believe that it happened. I don't remember anything from it but from what my mom told me is while my father was screaming at my mom and me, she started to have heart problems and almost passed out.
With me seeing her get to that point she said I got a glassed look over my eyes and I attacked and tried to kill my father, they told me it took my older brother, aunt, sisters and my mom to pull me off him and to held me down on the ground.
My father called the police so my mom had my aunt take me to my youth pastors house while she tried to take care of things so I would not get arrested. I stayed at my youth pastor's house for several days. I have been told later he told me that I had that glassy look like I was not there for quite some time after.
After that I went to live at good friends for about 6 months/ My mom was still with my dad at that time until finally between me pleading and the doctor telling her that she would not make it another year with the toll the stress was putting on her. So she took my two sisters and moved to live with my grandparents for a few months and I moved back with her. At that time I was working two jobs and she was working as much as her health would allow.
We ended up having to move from my grandparents just a little before I turned 18.
At this point I'm now working 3 jobs trying to provide for them as much as I possibly can. Now my mom and my youngest sister live with me, I'm 22 now working 2 jobs: one as a firefighter for 3 years now and the other as a forklift mechanic every waking moment I'm not at the FD.
Luckily my mom's health is improving. But unfortunately the city I work for, their biggest busines is leaving in a few years, and all the costs of everything are going up. The city says to forget any cost of living increase or any thing for that matter for the quit distant future.
So now I am trying to figure out how I'm going to take care of every thing and not drawn, because as it stands now I'm only getting on average 3 to 4 hrs of sleep a day. I'm several of thousands in debt from just trying to get by before I got the job with the city and have no idea what how or where I need to go from here.
It would seem that every time that it looks like god is going to let me catch my breath and dangles hope in front of my face, he kicks me to the ground and rubs my face in the dirt. I'm just so tired!!! I guess I say all that to say this.
Any one out there haveing gone through stuff like this please tell me how you did you do it?
How did you not lose your mind? How did you not just give up?
I'm at my limit. I'm so tired so tired. Should I fail it's not just me who drowns. I drag my mom and sister with me and I just don't know how much more I can keep them above water?