Among the divorce tips are: save your marriage, find someone you can trust to support you, keep your children together, build a relationship with your ex and save money by doing the paperwork yourself. Here they are, including an explanation.
The first thing you really should do when you decide to divorce is to do everything you can to save your marriage. So many people divorce because of a lack of communication. When you married, there was something wonderful between you and your spouse. You have lost it down the road. Do you really give up that easy?
Many divorced men and women regret that they ended their marriage a few month or years after the event. In the first period, there is a lot of emotion. Anger, fear, feeling betrayed, feeling useless or feeling relieved. After a while, these emotions erode and make place for more nuanced thoughts and emotions. Then people start thinking: "well, we have been divorced, but what was the root cause of the divorce?
Most find out that there was a lack of communication. The relationship had become a routine. Something that was always there, something more or less convenient. The partners were distracted from each other by their work, the children and other stuff. Both partners did not understand any more what was going on in the head of the other.
After that period divorced people often find out that the real reason of their divorce was different from what they thought. But, after a few month or years, one or both of the partners have entered into a relationship with somebody else. Then it is much more difficult to get back together again.
A good marriage counselor can help you and your spouse to find the real cause of your relationship problem and he or she can help you to resolve it. You should try before you give up definitively.
Even if only you believe in it and want to do the effort and your spouse does not, here's what you have to do:
Very often, divorced couples fight a lot. As explained on many other places in this web site, this does not help both of you and it is disastrous for your children. Your children have the right to have, to be and to bond with both of you. By fighting with and blaming you ex, you strenghten the thoughts of your children that they have to choose between one of you. That should never be the case. Both of you have your strengths and weaknesses.
In order to successfully co-parent you children after your divorce, you must be on speaking terms with the other parent of your children. You cannot go out of his or her way all the time. You will have to discuss the parenting of your children on a regular basis.
To make this work, build a new relationship with your ex partner. This relationship should be focussed 100% on the parenting of your children. Leave your personal lives out of it. That makes it much easier. Be respectful to each other. Fulfill your promises.
Hiring lawyers often results in presenting your case to the court. The court will finally decide. In other words, you give away the control of what will happen. However, if you hire a mediator, you stay in charge. You can influence the process. The mediator guides you through all the steps. He takes the emotions out of the process and brings forward what the interests are of you, of your spouse and also of your children.
The process is quicker and cheaper and instead of having a winner and a loser, all of you will come out as winners. Her you can read more about mediation.
When you divorce, you have to file the divorce paperwork. The requirements are different per state in the USA and they differ by country.
In most situations, you can prepare and file the paperwork yourself, without the intervention of divorce lawyers. That saves you a lot of money. There are several on line services that give you all the documents to be filled in and they guide you through the process. Some of them provide excellent phone support as well. You can find them on Divorce Kits.
Make a parenting plan with you ex. In many states and countries a parenting plan is one of the mandatory documents to be filed. Also with the parenting plan, if you and your ex cannot decide on it, the judge will do. In that situation, probably only one of you will get child custody. Read more about Parenting Plan.
For the benefit of your children, you better keep them together. Usually they have a strong bond. If you separate them, they will not only loose one of their parents, but they will also loose their brother(s) or sister(s) from their daily life. They find strength and understanding from each other during the difficult month and years after your divorce.
If you go away, the judge will usually grant the home to your spouse. Child custody is usually granted to the parent who took and takes care of children daily. If you walk away, it will be much harder to get child custody.
Your children can only accept the new situation after the divorce if you accept it. Look ahead. Set new positive goals for the short term and for the more distant future. Find out what your options are. Act.
Of course, you will need a period to deal with the emotions of the divorce, but do not let it take over. A divorce is not the end of the world. It happens to many people every day.
There are many reasons why you should do this. Of course it is good for the children. But it is also very good for you. Your focus on the children reframes your own situation.
You will know what you need during and after the divorce and what is important during the negotiations of the divorce itself.
Doing things alone is hard. If you have someone you trust with whom you can discuss your emotions and the practicalities of the divorce, it will make it much more bearable. You do not have to see that person on a daily basis. If you have difficulties or if you need to make important decisions, having somebody that knows your situation and understands where you are going through, is very helpful.With all other people, you do not talk about your divorce at all, unless they specifically ask. Of course you can tell them, but keep it to the minimum. If you keep on talking about the misery of your divorce to everyone, people will start to avoid you. And that is not what you want. You need them to move forward and to build your new life.
Return to the Divorce and Children page.