My parents got divorced when I was 8 years old. I was so malleable, so young, but old enough to understand what was happening.
Truthfully, I thought I had gotten over it completely and that I had learned so much from it, but now, 12 years later, I'm more messed up than I was when it first happened.
I never expected the affects to be so long lasting and embedded. I've recently started therapy again, and it's been sort of revealed that my parents divorce is sort of the cause of my inability to really belong in friend groups my entire life.
I never was able to feel like I belonged anywhere during my adolescence because I was living between my parents houses. I have this perception of myself that I am an afterthought, I don't belong anywhere. Growing up, my parents were focusing on their own lives instead of mine.
They were trying to find new spouses, and a new daughter in my dad's case. I can't help but to feel like I'm the trial daughter, like she's going to be the daughter he always wanted. She's 13 years younger than me, just turned 7 last Saturday.
I guess the purpose of me sharing this story is that I never knew that I would still be affected by this in my twenties. I thought the worst of it was over when I moved out on my own.
Unfortunately, it has affected my romantic and personal relationships, and my entire self concept. It's really sad. I'm just going to continue to try to reconcile the new anger that I feel about it, and hopefully get the courage to have a dialogue with my parents about it.
I just really really hope that I never get divorced when I have children. I never want my children to experience what I am now experiencing.
My parents probably had no idea what the divorce would do to my brothers and I, but now I feel like I'm damaged goods. I hope that I can learn to be stronger than the divorce someday.
I honestly think I will be battling it my entire life. 8 is such a terrible age to have your parents divorce. I think it might be the worst age of all. I had to live my hardest years of growth and change also dealing with divorced parents who hated each other.
I just really thought that I was over it, and it scares me that 12 years later, it's now even worse.
This isn't the whole story, but I needed to get something out, say something to a community of people who hopefully understand.